Crazy.

I keep asking myself "Am I crazy for all the decisions I've made lately?"

And I keep prefacing conversations with friends with "Well, maybe I'm crazy..."

So finally someone smart said to me: "You know, I finally decided YES, I'm crazy to be a doctoral student and working and not really sure what's next, but that's the point."

I'm not even a doctoral student yet*, but AMEN SISTA.

**more on that later perhaps.

You know what I love?

Fall.

football football.

l e a v e s c h a n g i n g.

Holidays right around the corner.

Cool breezes and open windows and dewey mornings.

Well, at least that's how it used to feel. If NC doesn't decide to stop being 95 degrees everyday soon I'm moving to Vermont.

around and around and around

Fall is symbolically a season of change, of moving on, of endings, of maturing, and a million other things. I know we aren't quite into this season yet, but it was on my mind today. I am stillgoing around and around with the changes I've brought upon myself this year - maybe because there are so many new and scary things in my life. Or maybe they're not scary, just exciting, but I tend to be anxious about everything these days whether good or bad. I've been faced with unexpected opportunities lately, which is thrilling and makes me feel honored - but I'm terrified of jumping into a new routine yet again, even as I try to adjust to the one I'm in now. I am blessed in so many ways, and yet I obsess about "getting it right." When am I going to learn to let go of the handle and just let the wind carry

me?

everynewbeginningcomesfromsomeotherbeginningsend

Yes I know, life really only has one beginning and one end, and everything else is the good stuff that fills the sandwich between (like turkey and havarti with whole grain mustard, mmm shout out to The Cheese Shop!).

But, that doesn't keep me from thinking in terms of all kinds of ends and beginnings right now... which begets another list...

Ending	Beginning
· Last real summer vacation	· Being on a 9-5 schedule for once!
· Era as a school counselor	· Path to becoming Dean of Academic Affairs (don't laugh, it's possible!)
· America's rough fiscal year '09-'10	· Recession of the recession??? (*fingers crossed*)
· 4 years with most of the fam in one place	· More excuses to travel and call
· Spending free time in TV & FB land	· Student experience #3 with a side of determination to do more required reading than in either #1 or #2.
· 3 years in this apartment · A sluggish I'm-relaxing-damnit attitude	·More sq. feet for Wren and all my shoes??? (*toes crossed too*) ·An energized I-promise-I'll-get-off-my-butt-and-sweat-at-least-once-a-day attitude

Hmmm I feel like there's so much more beginning and ending right now... but I guess I'll just come back to it when it comes to me. You know, like when I'm standing in line at Target and I think "Ooooh, why didn't I think of that!?"

5:43am Blogging

I like this list format... so here's todays:

1. Waking up with cramps at 4:30am, having anxiety about the workday, and getting up early is not a good combination for Monday morning. However, this made me realize how much I like to pity myself when I don't get enough sleep. I should probably stop complaining since I have so many brand-new-mommy-friends who never ever ever sleep more than 2 hours at a time. But really, poor me!
2. Ryan and I had an AMAZING weekend. I want more weekends like this one. We (a) went to a broadway show that exceeded my incredibly high expectations (Wicked!), (b) had a dinner out that turned out to be the best food we've eaten in months, let alone for a meal under $50 for both of us and drinks, (c) found Avatar playing in 3-D at the IMAX nearby and I had enough dramamine that I didn't even get motion sick... although I managed to doze off at some point yet again, and (d) made the most delishified strawberry cream cheese stuffed french toast imaginable - we even had powdered sugar for presentation! Let's do that all again, okay?
3. Does anybody outside of School Counselors and Assistant Principals actually know how much work goes into being a test coordinator for a school's End-of-Grade tests? And my school only has 450 students. How on earth do you do it for schools twice, three-times that size? Really, even people I complain to constantly about it don't have a clue how much planning this involves. And despite my best efforts (and I'm pretty gosh darn organized) I still can manage to mis-count my test manuals and have my numbers 4 short before testing even begins. Can I say poor-poor-pitiful-me again please???
4. I should probably stop procrastinating this day and get on with it. At least I had extra time to make a tasty egg-bagel-thin for breakfast (which, when you add spicy mustard is actually quite gormet-tasting!)

And now to leave us all with pleasant thoughts, I will practice what I preach to the kiddos and visualize this peaceful place to calm myself all day today...

A list...

I am going to resume blogging. There, I said it. Now maybe I'll do it. I guess I felt after my last post like I didn't have a lot I wanted to share with anyone about what was on my mind. I hit some pretty low points in the months of last winter, but now I'm seeing sunshine and bright colors again and feeling like I might continue sharing my thoughts about the world with anyone who bothers to read this (which sometimes I think might just be my husband, but that's okay too). But since I haven't done this in a while, and I really have no idea what the "identity" or "purpose" of this online voice of mine is, I'm going to just start with a list of things that are on my mind and see where that goes...

1. I love sugar. I love salt. I love fat (or at least foods that contain it). I am currently fighting quite hard not to be an emotional eater or stress eater or lazy eater and take care of myself. If I don't start doing more things right to my body that I have control of, I'm going to be really pissed at myself one day when a doctor tells me I have a preventable disease that might be life-threatening. I therefore am trying to make myself love to run as well... and hopefully that will balance out some of those first ones. So far, this endeavor is mildly successful.
2. I'm against animal testing. I'm also against child testing. And by this, I mean forcing students into desks for 4 straight hours of staring at a bubble sheet, tearing their hair out, and gnawing on pencils (that some poor counselor will have to collect later), only to prove that the kids we all know know stuff know stuff, and the ones who we all know don't know stuff don't know stuff. Isn't there a better way for teachers to teach and learners to learn? I've always been a huge supporter of public education, but Montessori is starting to sound better and better for my someday children...
3. Life changes are rough stuff. We all know bad changes are rough, but even changes that are exciting, opportunistic, and just feel right... well they're hard too! I'm leaving my career mid-June this year, and going back to school to pursue what I hope is a career field in which I can just be happier. I'm good at my job right now - great even, but I've never been happy in this career. Which makes me think two things: (a) Either I'm insane for 'giving up' and trying something totally new, or (b) I could be not great, but totally fantastic at a job that I like even a little bit more. I'm putting all my eggs in basket (b) right now, and hoping that Ryan's Godfather was right when I told him I might be crazy but I am getting my second M.Ed, and he told me "You're not crazy, crazy is not doing what you really want to do."
4. When I have two master's degrees, at least until I earn the Ph. and the D., can I get away with putting M.Ed.-squared after my name?
5. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. I need to remind myself that more and more and more and more. Even when I'm stressed at work, and tired all the time, and sad about loss, and worried about the future, I get to love and be loved everyday again and again. And that's somethin.

A message from the Christmas Angels...

I did a complete double take when I sat down this morning to write a blog post and realized that my last one was on the morning of the day that Mom died. Today was supposed to be our memorial service for her, and due to the intervening of nature we had to postpone it... which is just as well since we now have 12 inches of snow and nobody's driving anywhere. It has been a long month, and I was quite looking forward to getting through the service before Christmas. But I've learned a lot in 2009, and I'm continuing to realize that if God was sending a message in big flashing neon lights for me to learn this year it would say "YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL, LEARN TO DEAL WITH THAT!" I'm certain God would have a more eloquent and polite way of saying that, but my point is that I get it.

I may never really learn to deal with it, but I do get it. I know that Mom's memorial service wouldn't really give me any sense of 'closure' or 'magical healing from grief' or even stress relief probably, although I think that's what I was sort of expecting, and why I was crushed at first when we had to delay it. Now, though, I'm sitting on the couch in Blacksburg, cuddling with our pets, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, drinking chocolate mint truffle coffee (a Christmas staple!) admiring the amazing accumulation of snow, and at peace with not having to deal with all the arrangements and extended family and being strong for everyone else today.

Speaking of the snow, there is no way this is a coincidence. Do you know when the last time VA had a foot of snow in December was??? Let alone when all of a sudden, 24 hours before it hit, the forecast went from a beautiful clear and chilly December weekend, to every meteorologist from the local goons to Al Roker being 100% sure we'd get the brunt of this incredible storm??? Neither do I, but I know it is rare, and I think it was the Christmas Angels saying directly to me "Try to relax little one, enjoy this glorious holiday in a new way, find peace in something everyday, and let yourself be okay with changes to your plans, because our plans are the ones that matter." Only the angels would of course be singing that message as a choir with joyful ethereal voices... because that's what angels do right?