I'm sad. Anyone who knows me or my Mom is sad right now for the fact that we're losing her. But that barely scratches the surface. I'm angry. Dad asked me what I'm angry about, and I couldn't even begin to pinpoint it, except the first thing that came to mind is that I'm angry that my kids some day won't have birth announcements written in Mom's beautiful calligraphy. Birth announcements, like that's important right now? I don't even want to think about having kids right now. There's got to be more to be angry about, but somehow that's what popped into my mind. I feel guilty. I feel guilty about not being at work. 2 other women I work with have lost a parent this year, and they maybe took off 3 days of work. I've been away for going on 5 weeks now. Is this because I'm immature and young and selfish because I don't put work before family, and I just have to be here, at home, taking care of Mom, Dad, and myself? I honestly don't care, and yet, can't stop thinking about it. I'm jealous, of everyone who posts on Facebook that they are doing Mother/Daughter things this week. And I'm grateful, that I can be here, even if it is just to hold Mom's hand, or sleep on the floor, or be in the house so Dad can go out at least to the grocery store. And for the fact that I have an amazing mother, who has been with me for 25 whole years, and blessed me with so many of her talents and thoughts and love. Not everyone gets that, so I guess I'm feeling lucky too. At least when I finally go through the thought process, it comes to this last part every time, and it feels a lot less like junk.
When my grandfather was losing his battle with emphysema, my mom uprooted the family from NY to NC just to be with him for the last few months. She'll admit it was tortuous to witness what he was going through everyday, but she was so happy to have made that sacrifice and had that precious time with him.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, when her mom, and best friend, suddenly died 15 years later, she couldn't say the same. My mom always talked about how when she retired in a few years, they'd be able to spend so much time together and she was so excited. Granted they lived 25 minutes from each other, but my mom was "too busy" with work to visit a lot. One Sunday, my grandma said she didn't feel well; she died that Wednesday. My mom has never been the same since. The regret constantly eats at her.
You're living out what most people only write in greeting cards. You're not wrong for staying home for 5 weeks and they're not wrong for coming back after 3 days. Everyone deals differently. Your presence is the most wonderful gift you can give you mom, whether she's having a conversation with you or knows you're passed out in the next room on the couch. Everyone just wants someone to be there for them and that's what you're doing. She must feel so loved and incredibly proud to have a daughter like you.
Thank you so much for sharing all of that - your encouragement means so much to me. I know I am where I need to be, and I am so much of a worry wart that it is hard for me to let go of everything else and just "be here," but I'm getting there. You're right, I know I'll never regret it and feel incredibly blessed to have had the chance to spend this family time. Thank you so much, that support made my day.
ReplyDeletep.s. Wren is going to start thinking he belongs to you and our other friends who take such good care of him - thank you so much for checking on him this weekend!!!